Twee Comics

@ComicPen

@JohnnyMcNulty I clearly need to reorganize my life so I can be on twitter within 5 minutes of anyone important dying.
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@Bike_Paths

@SenJohnMcCain To clear up any confusion, I haven't made a decision on whether to endorse in the primary.

@EliBraden @SenJohnMcCain Don't worry dude. No one cares.

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@Bike_Paths

@ZachBroussard Newt's only leading because polls include fake twitter followers.
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@Bike_Paths

@Nicolucci1899 Alec Baldwin is the only guy who could make me root for an airline.
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@Bike_Paths

@jasonmustian I'm just surprised Rick Perry can remember that he's a Christian, hates fags and thinks kids should pray in school. THAT'S 3 THINGS!
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@Bike_Paths

@badbanana Can anyone recommend a few thousand books on hoarding?
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@Bike_Paths

@toddmarrone "TGIF!" - People Who Chose the Wrong Profession
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@sendnao

@ChaseMit The McRib is vaguely shaped like a rack of ribs in the same way that people who eat it are vaguely shaped like people.
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@sendnao

@DannyZuker To people who are afraid to fly: Statistically you are more likely to be executed by Rick Perry than die in a plane crash.
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@sendnao

@Dariellx Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the fuck down.
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@sendnao

@NealMayhem How did Keanu Reeves NOT end up a porn star?
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@sendnao

@squawkfox I just saved 100% by not shopping on Cyber Monday.
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@sendnao

@dave_schilling To all my ex-girlfriends: Don't worry, I got fat.
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@megacool

@badbanana With American Airlines stock at 20 cents, I can't decide between paying for two checked bags or buying half the company.
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@megacool

@nealbrennan Herman Cain is being character assassinated by his character.
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@megacool

@cornlog If you can look past his words & actions Newt Gingrich would make a fine president.
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@megacool

@joshgondelman I'm writing my own movie, also called "New Year's Eve" where Philip Seymour Hoffman drinks wine alone in his house, paralyzed by indecision.
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@megacool

@albz It seems easier to terminate a pregnancy than to terminate a gym membership.
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@megacool

@JennyJohnsonHi5 My greatest fear is sitting in front of thousands of people while my Google search history is being read aloud.
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@megacool

@notch As of yesterday, @jeb_ is the lead developer on Minecraft! http://t.co/SsOyCwKR
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@megacool

@thesulk "Alright, now I need CX percent outta you guys, got it?!" (Roman Coach)
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@megacool

@RustyCannon "What is the optimum age for ditching a wife?" #trumpquestions #trumpdebatequestions #donaldtrumpdebatequestions
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@tweetcolleges

@_jennabuggg & I sent my app into Marquette. My top three choices have been sent :)
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@tweetcolleges

@juliapeters Submitted JMU, CUNY, and finishing up on UT Austin. Then onto Oberlin and then I'm DONE! (until I have to do my GMU one wah)
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@tweetcolleges

@team_daday Which college is better MSU or UofM
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@tweetcolleges

@Checkerexpress1 Just dropped off UofA kid who doesn't own a car. Taking cab to grocery store 3 times a mo. is cheaper than insurance! walks everywhere else.
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@tweetcolleges

@ChelseaGrunwald The UW-Madison Young Progressives are going door-to-door to collect recall signatures tonight. Sorry, Madison residents.
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@tweetcolleges

@ElizabethMStark @stanford is offering free online courses in AI, Machine learning and databases: - http://t.co/Tg5bLYbx
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@tweetcolleges

@DomJ_ SIU is cheap. Got us disecting rats instead of nicer, bigger animals
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@tweetcolleges

@ChaseSarhan Sooo University Of Minnesota accepted me.... Without me even applying... Lmao
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@tweetcolleges

@iDreamOf_Monie Big Bro just went back to school #UIC see him in a few weeks tho
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@tweetcolleges

@lizsorgi F you, Texas state. Helloooo university of Phoenix!
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@tweetcolleges

@tbere14 My grandpa hooked me and my mom up with some UK basketball tickets #winning
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@tweetcolleges

@jewyaford I'm going to have to go to a UT basketball game this season, it's a must!
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@tweetcolleges

@N_Heels_iTrust When is the next CU home game?
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@tweetcolleges

@futureicon Most Americans can't afford the tuition required to attend Columbia University or Harvard. Which government paid for Obama's attendance?
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@tweetcolleges

@Pr_RickGonGreen I need to see MSU play more.

@__NickiB back at MSU.

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@tweetcolleges

@WisNetwork RT @iggnasty: I've got a pricey wager going for this #MSU vs #Wisconsin game next weekend, my Spartans better do me justice
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@tweetcolleges

@bulldogthaboss Watching Yale Harvard football game on espn classic #likeaboss
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@tweetcolleges

@RevRunWisdom Speaking and encouraging at Yale University this thursday Dec 1st --Looking forward!
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@tweetcolleges

@JohnBodey1 Getting ready to watch the IU / Butler game. I want IU to win, but will be rooting for Butler the rest of the season.
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@tweetcolleges

@JSchipper00 Just 25 hours ago, Columbus Ohio's very own THE Ohio State Buckeyes, lost a football game to the University of Michigan.
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@tweetcolleges

@jasonlifton Heading into NYC for #Cornell vs #BU hockey at MSG! Does this make me a GWU traitor?
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@tweetcolleges

@KeithOsentoski My mother sends clearer texts than the #GWU campus alert. And she is nearly blind and still uses T9.
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@tweetcolleges

@LBSpiker 15 minutes to game time against CMU. This chippewa team is very loose. There having a good time.
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@tweetcolleges

@Mansell247 I expect the Ga Dome to be at least 60/40 UGA fans but it was 90/10 for Boise on another note.
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@tweetcolleges

@HaleyHiggs UGA fan: "We run this state!" GT fan: "Actually, Nathan Deal runs this state but your team did win a football game." (Overheard this. Haha!)
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@tweetcolleges

@DrakeTechnology Any1 follow college football!? How about that FSU UF game yesterday! I was rooting for UF! The quarterback threw the game away literally =/
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@tweetcolleges

@bradkriebel In the 2 years I've spent as an FSU student we went 4-0 against Miami and UF. Should I stay in school forever?
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@exfuga

@DeepakChopra Be kind to yourself and others. Speak of love with others. Remind each other of your spiritual purpose.

@JoshMalina Can I borrow money? “@DeepakChopra: Be kind to yourself and others. Speak of love with others. Remind each other of your spiritual purpose.”

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@exfuga

@Jovalenz I'm done learning new things until someone can prove to me that we won't have Google forever.
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@exfuga

@igotdunks RT @sbellelauren: why would anybody want to occupy oakland
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@tw96_

@sophia_morgan92 Ask your doctor if an unnecessary over-prescribed medication so he can get kickbacks from a pharmaceutical company is right for you.
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@tw96_

@ContactLangley I'm at my most uncomfortable when seeing two dudes sing into the same microphone.
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@tw96_

@DannyZuker Today the world is a safer place for self-destructive billionaire insomniacs.
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@tw96_

@gavinspeiller Magic Johnson is the Michael Jordan of overcoming HIV.
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@tw96_

@juliussharpe We can drop the "magic" now and just call them "markers".
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@tw96_

@ZULTANTHEGREAT Wearing a polo, I feel so awkward in it, like uncomfortable and shit
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@ComicPen

@danforthfrance Remember when we had to pretend Sharon Stone was a good actress for a little while?
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@ComicPen

@LOLGOP Today, please honor, Bill O'Reilly, veteran of 11 Wars on Christmas.
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@ComicPen

@Botzie_sWc My thoughts/prayers are w/ those who made the ultimate sacrifice & faced horror. God bless the men & women who see Jack&Jill ope
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@ComicPen

@davidshayne In a strange coincidence, there will be only one thing I can remember about Rick Perry.
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@ComicPen

@StephenAtHome How often do you feed a Michael Stipe? Is once a week okay?
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@ComicPen

@alyankovic While I think it’s unlikely that we’re the only forms of life in the universe, I’m pretty sure we’re the only ones that deep-fry Twinkies.
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@ComicPen

@JimGaffigan When people find out I have 4 little kids, they always treat me like I have cancer. “Four kids! You are so brave. I’ll pray for you.”
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@ComicPen

@HuffingtonPost Apple starts selling new version of iPhone 4S http://t.co/zH1rNQUJ
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@ComicPen

@realjeffreyross So excited to be seeing Mister Warmth himself @DonRickles in Las Vegas tonight. Hope he doesn't make fun of me. I'm very sensitive.
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@ComicPen

@paulandstorm [S] I can't bear to throw out old electronics. Instead I keep them in a pile, hoping they'll eventually turn into a robot.
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@ComicPen

@kanyewest this is gonna be a dope ass day.
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@ComicPen

@kanyewest hangover's ain't good man... hangover's ain't good
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@ComicPen

@ConanOBrien On tonight’s show, Cheryl Hines undresses me with her eyes. Then dresses me again. And adds a hat.
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@ComicPen

@pattonoswalt A line of shirtless guys with "FOR THE KIDS" painted one letter each on their torsos. Tasteful, Penn State. Taste. Ful.
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@ComicPen

@ConanOBrien I can’t believe it’s 11/11/11. Seems like just yesterday it was 11/10/11.
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@sendnao

@JimGaffigan Doesn't it sometimes seem like Dr Phil is doing an impression of Dr Phil?
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@sendnao

@joelmchale I feel like the wind is in no way intimidated by my nylon windbreaker.
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@sendnao

@MikeRoweShow Herman "pizza man" Cain gives new meaning to double-stuffed.
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@sendnao

@phirm I suppose you could call me a humanitarian, since I only eat humans.
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@themoodrings

@robhuebel If I'm in a fine restaurant and I start tapping on the glass of the fishtank, and you are a fish in that fishtank, do a fucking trick.
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@themoodrings

@BillyCrystal Am doing the Oscars so the young woman in the pharmacy will stop asking my name when I pick up my prescriptions. Looking forward to the show
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@Bike_Paths

@jada_wadaaa On a search for the person with the best tweets :]
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@Bike_Paths

@SethMacFarlane RT @Chris_Moon: @SethMacFarlane how come whenever Spongebob makes an appearance on FG he's green? // So we don't get sued.
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@Bike_Paths

@billmaher I luv Halloween - it comes from a pagan holiday that originated hundreds of years before Jesus. Just like Christmas.
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@Bike_Paths

@bobsaget It's nice to go away but nice to be home. Dorothy and ET were right. No place like home. If only they could've met and dated. And had kids.
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@Bike_Paths

@Oprah Hello to all my tweeps in Indonesia. Your among my biggest country of tweeters.
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@Bike_Paths

@JimGaffigan This year for Halloween I'm going as someone who's too cool to do a tweet about Halloween.
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@mafiaadd

@JonoZalay Who is this attractive new follower? Oh. Spam. That's right, this is still the internet.
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@mafiaadd

@sheaspillane i can't believe that adele has throat cancer. it's like tom brady getting diagnosed with right arm cancer.
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@mafiaadd

@DeepakChopra I'm at TEDMED. New discovery : Dogs can sniff out cancer and are being trained to smell biomarkers for early diagnosis
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@mafiaadd

@BPGlobalPR Catastrophe is a strong word, let's all agree to call it a whoopsie daisy.
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@mafiaadd

@ThatKevinSmith Dear @SouthwestAir - I know I'm fat, but was Captain Leysath really justified in throwing me off a flight for which I was already seated?
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@mafiaadd

@SenJohnMcCain @Sn00ki u r right, I would never tax your tanning bed! Pres Obama's tax/spend policy is quite The Situation. but I do rec wearing sunscreen!
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@mafiaadd

@wikileaks Dear governments, if you don't want your filth exposed, then stop acting like pigs. Simple. http://t.co/BlV3jtZ
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@themoodrings

@god Dear followers, I am deeply sorry for creating Justin Bieber. What started as a joke between me & Moses has gone too far. @satan, help.
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@themoodrings

@captain_picard Let's slingshot around the sun. I want to go back and do the last two weeks over.
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@themoodrings

@darthvader Just felt a tremor in the Force. Or an earthquake. I can never tell.
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@themoodrings

@Joseph_Stalin Watching Bob the Fucking Builder. He can fix some shit, that little bastard.
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@themoodrings

@robhuebel Paid $10,000 to a skywriter to write SURRENDER DOROTHY in the sky. Wind blew it so it reads, SUP....SODOMY?
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